Because I’ve received the coveted “World’s Okayest Mom” award this year, I feel I am eligible for your “nice” list. I know that for most of the past 27 years I’ve been teetering more toward the “naughty” side, but since my kids have all reached the age when the law calls them “adults,” my exorcist mom voice has disappeared. I haven’t had to hide all car keys to keep them from “going to get gas” at 2:00 am, and I haven’t had to put a pencil in my mouth just to keep from screaming at my tiny humans. Kudos to me, right?
So Santa, I’ve just been thinking…since I’ve conquered so many demons and have behaved like a reasonably patient and understanding adult (although you and God, you sneaky little devils you, have been testing my resolve not to go back to the “Dark Side” by giving me students that I would love to put in “time out” for about 16 weeks) I’ve decided to do something I haven’t done in years- send you my Christmas list. Here goes:
1. Could you send a few of your elves over every so often to give my house a good scouring? Or, if it would be easier, just send me a new house to live in whenever the old one gets too nasty.
2. I’d love it if you’d send me students who would rather listen to my lectures and learn about subject/verb agreement than constantly check their phones to see which celebrity has been arrested or what kind of shoes the Kardashians are wearing that day.
3. Oh, and it would be so cool if you could set me up with a pair of arms equipped with firm, strong triceps that don’t flap around when I’m writing on the board.
4. On the practical side, it would sure be terrific if you could sprinkle some of your magical “instant house-breaking” dust over my dogs.
5. I also saw a few cool T-shirts that would make great stocking stuffers. One says, “Keep Rolling Your Eyes and Maybe You’ll Find Your Brain Back There,” and there’s “Ha Ha! Made You Read!” This one will probably get a lot of wear- “It’s A Beautiful Day To Leave Me Alone.”
6. I found something that will add a little sass to my refrigerator: a magnet that says “Do you know what rhymes with Monday? Wine.”
7. And last, but not least, I saw a lovely tea towel that will go perfectly in my kitchen. It says, “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family.” Isn’t that a beautiful Christmas sentiment?
With love and warm Christmas wishes from your biggest fan,