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Humor@Home: Spider Sniper Mom


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As a mom, I expect to have to deal with all sorts of unpleasant things. You know, messy diapers, sleepless nights, being puked on, temper tantrums. But then there are spiders. I never gave spiders much thought. Until I had daughters.

When my daughters see a spider, they run through the house screaming in terror.

OK, so they are afraid of spiders. I get it. I was afraid of spiders when I was a child, too. But what’s unusual about my girls is that they don’t want you to KILL the spider. They are some sort of animal advocates or something. You have to “rescue” the unwanted intruder by capturing it in a glass jar; then you have to take it outside and “release” it.

I’m like, “It’s not a dolphin. It’s not even a baby bird. It’s a SPI-DER. Let’s squish it and move on with our day.” But oh, no. If I thought they were hysterical about there BEING a spider in the house, I was mistaken. That was nothing compared to the tears and carrying on that can occur if you step on the spider. I have learned that if I don’t want to spend an hour consoling my babies, it is just easier to rescue and release the spiders. 

I have learned that if I don’t want to spend an hour consoling my babies, it is just easier to rescue and release the spiders. 

Now, we live on the edge of town—some might say out in the country—and we have some pretty big spiders. A few have made the mice seem miniscule in comparison. (I exaggerate, but only just a bit. Some of these guys are big and hairy, and they are FAST. In case a regular garden spider didn’t terrify me—which it does—these hairy guys have me running for the hills where I will take my chances with the hawks and coyotes.)

So, my girls insist that we find a jar and a piece of paper. We have to (or rather, I have to) put the jar over the spider and then slide a piece of paper under it. Then they watch as I take it outside (far, far away—much farther than I bother to take the mice, I assure you—and oh, yes, we live trap the mice, too). The children watch because they want to make sure that poor Mr. Eight Legs does not come to any unfortunate early demise during my rescue mission. You never can trust a spider hating mom, you know.

So, yes, we Rescue and Release the spiders. 

I blame this all on my husband. He doesn’t mind rescuing spiders. In fact, he started the whole thing. The only problem is that HE ISN’T HERE ALL THE TIME TO DO THE RESCUING.

Which leaves me. 

I have become Covert Spider Sniper. I hunt them down when no one is paying attention. I am always looking in dark corners and under furniture. Because if I see it first, I can kill it before anyone knows the difference. Otherwise, it’s, “Daaaaaad!!!!”

And, don’t tell my kids, but the exterminator and the lizards are on my side, too. We just keep it all on the down-low. You know: a special Lizard/Mommy secret. I figure every time I “rescue” a spider, I’m feeding a lizard.

We have a very healthy lizard population in front of our house. I guess I should thank my kiddos for that.

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Tags: Parenting


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