“Oh, I guess I forgot to put away the toys after she went to sleep,” said the sullen sitter as I stared at the remains of what was once known as our family room.  “Sorry,” she shrugged.

Maybe I was living in a dream world when I asked my sitters to put away the toys after the kids were in bed, but in my day (let me pause for a moment while I take my Geritol), I would clean the kitchen after dinner, make sure the kids brushed their teeth, and put away their toys after reading them a bedtime story.  All part of my 75 cent per hour babysitting package.

Not only had babysitting rates had gone up just a smidge, I soon found that I could plan on shelling out $10 (and this was in the 90’s) per hour.  And that only included making sure the children didn’t set things on fire.  Folding a load of clothes or giving my child a bath after she had dumped a plate full of spaghetti on her head were on the a la carte menu and would cost extra.

Not only did I find that babysitting dollars didn’t stretch as much as they did in my day, I found that finding a decent babysitter was a Herculean task.  My dreams of finding someone like Alice from The Brady Bunch were quickly squashed.  Finding a mother’s helper who could watch the kids, help clean the house, assist in fixing the dinner, and sit with me over coffee for long chats was just not in the cards for me.  I realized that real-world babysitters did not do clean up.  I counted myself lucky when I found someone I felt comfortable enough with to entrust with the care of my children, and not worry that he/she would host a game of beer pong or sacrifice my cat while I was gone.  I was over the moon if the sitter actually showed up and was not smoking or twirling a pentagram necklace.

But no matter how desperate I became at times, there were some standards I just couldn’t compromise.  For instance, I’d throw a red flag down on the play if the person said any of the following phrases:  “Where’s the booze?  I never do this sober;” “Do you live near a school?  I’m not allowed within 500 feet of schools; “Ummm, how many kids did I start with?” “I hope your kids behave better than the ones a babysat with last week.  They kept screaming and I could still hear them even after I locked them in the closet;” and my personal favorite, “They won’t catch it if they don’t touch me.”  Mohawks tinged with red and facial tattoos meant game over as well.

It’s not easy, I know.  You want someone reliable, responsible, and trustworthy to take care of your beloved children.  You do your due diligence by interviewing a sitter before hiring him/her.  While your first question may be something like, “Do you know CPR,” after one or two interviewees you realize you are being much too picky and change your line of questioning to queries like, “Have you ever been arrested for a felony?”

And if one happens to make it through your diligent background check, but announces as you’re about to walk out the door for a special dinner in honor of your anniversary, “You’re gunna be home by 11, right?  My parole officer says I have to be home before midnight,” you are going to have to start your search for a decent babysitter all over again.  You’re also going to have to take the kids with you to dinner.  Hold your head high when your children start licking the windows, coming out from underneath the table chewing gum (they did not have gum before they ducked under the table), and acting like a pack of rabid dogs.  Meet the eyes of your fellow diners and hold their gaze as they whisper to their dining companions, “Why didn’t they just get a babysitter?”