was walking through the kitchen the other day when BAM! – I stubbed my toe on a kitchen chair. I swear I saw stars swirling around my head, just like in a Road Runner cartoon where an anvil drops on the head of the coyote.

Hopping around the perimeter of the kitchen grasping my throbbing toe, I found that all sorts of expletives were running through my mind. And oh, how I wanted to just scream them out at the top of my lungs!

   You can probably relate. Something happens, you’re mad (or in pain), and cursing like a sailor seems like just the release of pent-up frustration you need. I truly felt that releasing these words would help ease the pain surging through my body, and that somehow the unleashing of these four-letter beauties would act like salve to my injured soul.

   But even through the haze of pain I saw my young nieces watching me with growing alarm, and I knew that uttering these ugly words, as relieving as it may have been, was not the answer. I jammed a dishcloth in my mouth to keep the vile words from being unleashed on the delicate ears of the young girls.

   As if saving innocent children from an onslaught of less-than-polite language weren’t enough of a good reason to watch your mouth, consider this; if you use curse words a lot, they will become part of your normal speech pattern. Hence, you will start using curse words without consciously thinking about it. You don’t want to become known as the Potty Mouth Person, right?

   But I know there are times when you just have to yell something at the top of your lungs. What’s a fine, upstanding member of society to do?

Well, I did a little research into how to get creative with words, thus keeping the innocence of young children and the sensibilities of polite company intact.  Here’s a list of old-fashioned “burns” from bygone eras you can use to censor yourself:

Blistering barnacles

Thundering typhoons

Crimeny

Dastardly

Shucks

Tater tots

Son of a biscuit eater

Son of a mother

Son of a gun

Rats

Cheese whiz

Dadgummit

Dagnabit

Sufferin© succotash

Fiddle sticks

Horse pucky

Jiminy Crickets

Shiitake mushrooms

Bricklayer

Awww pickles

Shoot a monkey

Shapoopie

My stars

Fiddle faddle

Frak

Shazbot

Great Scott

Geewillakers

And if you’re looking for clever one-liner insults, try these on for size:

Fopdoodle

Cow-handed

Would Thou Wert Clean Enough To Spit Upon

Thou Dost Infect My Eyes

They just don't make insults like these G-rated zingers anymore, am I right?