May 30, 2023
Establish a zero tolerance culture: Make your home’s culture one in which fighting is not tolerated by modeling kind behavior and speaking kindly. Talk through your family’s rules and expectations. Be clear that fighting will not be tolerated. Zero physical aggression should be permitted.
Build bonds: Fighting is unacceptable but it is also unnecessary when children bond well with another. Give them opportunities to be around each in non-competitive ways. Create one-on-one time with each child for you as their parent to invest in a close relationship that fosters respect.
Read a story with caring siblings: “The Boxcar Children,” “Hansel and Gretel,” “The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew:” Go old school and introduce your children to sibling pairs through literature who solve mysteries and go on adventures together.
Set up teamwork tasks: Teach children how to value each other through the importance of working together in age appropriate tasks. It may seem counterintuitive to pair children together who are not getting along but highlighting how we all need one another is key. For example, there is no dinner without one person adding forks to set the table and the other adding plates. A tangible result can show them the difference between success and failure in a concrete way.
Be empathetic: Dig deep. It isn’t always easy to remember how we felt as children or what we would feel in a similar situation. Finding genuine empathy is part of the Love and Logic method of authoritative parenting.
Give each other space: Separate children’s use areas if needed. Help them respect boundaries by designating areas and items. Teach children to take turns.
Take a break: Bickering and being petty grate on a person. Get out of the house and find family fun in the community. Go to a movie, visit a park, swim together but escape your daily routine.
Ignore the noise: You know the noise. That noise, the one you should probably check on but are debating the level of hazards. Is there fire? No? Is everyone still alive and well? Yes. Call that a win! Ignore crashing sounds, chatter and arguments. Choose to find your own calm so you can bring that peace to your children.
Offer a bribe: There is nothing wrong with incentives. “I’ll give you a prize” is a perfectly fine way to start the day. No one is above sugar, toys or privileges in moderation.
Give out chocolate: See above. Is it a bribe? A prize? Sugar? Yes. It’s fine.
Fake call Santa: Just kidding. Sort of. In general, good parenting advice would suggest only enforceable, realistic consequences that can be followed through on immediately. Not everyone can be on their A-game all the time. Candidly, summer in Bakersfield can feel tedious and irritating, two characteristics that also describe how a day of playing referee with fighting kids can feel. Give grace, especially to yourself this summer. Do what you have to do. There’s always next summer.
