Allison has been unhappy for quite a while. Allison is a pre-teen who seems to be having some difficulty. She says that she is depressed, and her grades and behavior seem to reflect that idea. Her high grades have fallen to D’s and F’s. She wants to sleep all the time after school and has difficulty getting up in the morning. She does quite a bit less with her friends than she has in the past and almost always refuses to participate in activities with the family.

   

Her parents constantly ask her about her mood and her grades. Her grades have always been a source of attention from her parents. “What kind of homework do you have tonight?” is a typical question followed by: “Have you done all your homework yet?” These questions are all asked on the fly, because they are very busy themselves. They think she is depressed, and she most likely is.

   

In order for a young girl to develop a more positive sense of self, her parents need to be an active part of her life, often involved with her in activities of which she has shown an interest. Stress can also have a negative effect on a pre-teen’s life. The intense focus on tests and grades today is increasing stress levels in many students, but just about anything can act as a stressor.           

  

Changing to a new school, moving, or dealing with a prolonged illness in the family are stressful situations, all of which should be talked about as early as possible with all the children. Stress can occur even when all appears to be going well. A girl can just get tired from the constant effort to keep up in school or with her friends.

   

Independence, and the self-worth that goes with it, is what allows our children to test themselves out. Girls may become excessively self-conscious and unsure because of trouble at home, poor role models, overly strict parents, or a possible physical or learning disability. These girls especially need strong guidance, encouragement, and help in discovering their gifts; and then, the chance to independently use them.



How You Can Help

Having a solid relationship with your daughter, preferably beginning when she is quite young, can help her make judgment calls when you are not there to supervise. She will have learned that you are invested in her, because of the time you have always spent with her. Your close relationship with her allows her to absorb your rules and morals. This relationship will keep the door open for her to talk to you about the issues she faces.

   

Forget about waiting until your daughter is too troubled to reach out to her. Throughout her life, use every available opportunity to help her develop her inner resources, so that she can resort to her own strengths when life seems to go poorly. Healthy coping skills offered through your tutoring (Well, what do you think you could do to fix that?) will also help her come through the hard times, as she learns to problem-solve.

   

As parents, you can bolster your daughter's confidence as you begin the process of letting her experience her freedom. Encourage her to be true to herself and to respect what she says to you. Listen to her. There is nothing worse for a young person than for the parent to minimize what the child or teen is saying. Be aware that your daughter wants to believe in herself and allow her to make functional choices. Trust that what you have taught these many years will be there for her. Give her room to move and applaud her success, little or big.

   

You have dreams for your daughter, but remember: she also has her own ideas and dreams. Respect them along with her thoughts, ideas, and feelings, even though she will make mistakes along the way. Every child falls and then recovers his balance as he learns to walk. By listening to your daughter, you can share in her joys. If she is anxious or sad, help her identify her problems clearly and with some perspective. Stay calm. Let her know that frequent ups and downs are normal during childhood or adolescence and stress is part of life. Listening and engaging with her will allow her to accept herself, just as you do. Every child can feel better because of that.

Michael E. Kirk, PhD, a local clinical psychologist, is a father and grandfather who specializes in working with families, adolescents, and children.