Hello Mama! How are you? 

No really, how are you right now as you read these words? For me, the past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Just when I felt like I was catching my breath, a new wave of mandates, expectations and uncertain circumstances would hit and almost knock me down. There have been many days when I personally struggled with grief, anxiety and depression (not all at the same, but the feelings were present). I could feel the heavy weight of the world and it would cause my body to ache with real pain. I have become very familiar with the feelings of grief after losing my mom to Alzheimer’s. 

Maybe you have experienced a similar loss of a loved one. Maybe you are experiencing the loss of a job, the loss of connecting with your family or friends or maybe you are experiencing these feelings for the very first time. Whatever you may be feeling right now, your loss and your mental health, matters. If ever there was a time to check in on your mental health, it’s now, during this global pandemic. That’s why I wanted to focus this article on therapy that we can share, together.

Meet Melissa Delis, LMFT & Holly Graham, LMFT and Co-Owners of Virtual Therapy Live. I recently spoke with Melissa and Holly about the Covid-19 crisis and how we can learn to better navigate our emotions during these very uncertain times.

Janelle: As a mom of three, this quarantine has been a challenge on our entire family. Home-schooling felt more like, "crisis schooling" while juggling demands of working from home and in the office. What suggestions can you give families to better cope with the extra stress from everyone forced to "stay home" during this quarantine?

Melissa: This absolutely is crisis schooling and should not be misconstrued with traditional homeschooling. Many parents and caregivers have been thrown into a role of educator literally overnight; which is quite different from families who typically homeschool their children with methodical schedules already in place. Breathe, exhale, and examine the expectations you are placing upon yourself. 

First, recognize the many roles you find yourself having to adjust to: partner or spouse, parent, caregiver, worker, educator, friend, etc. Rather than leaning into the fear, vulnerability, and the stress of our current situation, remind yourself that you have control over specific things including your perception of how you choose to see your situation. 

Tell yourself, “I can find a way to balance the roles I have before me and I choose to make the best of the gifts that life is presenting me with right now.”

Second, set a schedule and follow routines that work for your kids. Consistency creates calm in times of stress. Children, especially younger kids fare far better when certainty is present, when they know what is happening and when. Create a routine around waking up, eating, daily assignments, play time, etc. Keep it simple; create tasks/goals to things they can easily accomplish. Validate victories, however small they may seem. Positive reinforcement and validation build a child’s self-esteem as well as their sense of control and mastery. We can’t control many of the things happening within the world but we can create our own narrative and routine within our home. 

Talk to them and let them know that everyone has a part within the family. Creating a sense of “we-ness” helps children feel included and a sense of influence within the family dynamic. When the world is chaotic, home is a safe harbor.

Third, manage their anxieties by answering questions they may have surrounding the pandemic. Creating spaces in your conversations to check in with them and discuss any worries or concerns they may be experiencing. 

Ask open-ended questions, “What was the biggest emotion you felt today? What was your high/low experience for the day? What’s something you were grateful for today?”  

Holly: Also, reframing the narrative surrounding many of the stories they may be seeing from fear and loss to altruistic stories of how communities come together in times hardship. As Fred Rogers would say, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

Limit the consumption of news surrounding the pandemic. For older children, set parameters on their devices and discuss with them self-monitoring of emotional changes they feel when watching news or stories about the pandemic. Encourage them to follow accounts that are enriching or interesting such as crafts, sports, art, or music. For younger children turn off the news and don’t talk about it when they are present.

Manage your anxieties as they arise and accept that it is completely normal right now for our emotions to variate given the circumstances. How we manage our emotions actually models to our children a blueprint for emotional regulation. When you feel overwhelmed give yourself permission to take a break. Breathe, take a shower, go outside and get some fresh air, turn on some music, reset and return to the task at hand when you feel settled. 

Remember, we do have control over our own actions and how we choose to walk through this season of COVID. 

Maybe even ask yourself, “How do I want my children to remember this pandemic?”

If my actions and emotions model a blueprint to my children; then, I want them to look back at this, not as a period of trauma but rather as a time my family shared love and cohesion. 

Oh Mama, that says it all doesn’t it? How do you want to remember this time? We can’t control the Coronavirus but we can control how we respond to the circumstances and emotions surrounding this pandemic. 

For me, I definitely want my kids to look back at this time with memories of more family meals around the dinner table, more moments of connection and more than anything, more moments of love. I believe we can be both vulnerable and strong with our children. We can show them our real emotions and we can model how to get through a crisis. If you have a therapist, please continue to seek support, but if you don’t, I highly encourage that you find one. 

If you’re not comfortable with traditional in-person therapy, I highly recommend Virtual Therapy Live created by Melissa and Holly, two Kern County moms and licensed marriage family therapists. Virtual Therapy Live is a network of licensed, accredited and experienced therapists who provide online face-to-face therapy sessions. The cornerstone of their practice is relationships. They will take the time to listen and work collaboratively to help you and your family, navigate through the challenges that life presents. You can learn more at: www.virtualtherapylive.com.

Mama, your mental health matters. Take time to check in with yourself and be honest with your feelings. And remember that you are a warrior! You have survived 100% of the storms that you have faced in this life. You will get through these challenging times, too.

Let’s keep this conversation going on social. Tag Kern County Family Magazine with #hellohappymama and let me know what you are doing for your mental health.